Stuck

My tongue is tied.

My mind in shambles.

This is the second time I’m writing this. WordPress’s new interface confuses me, to be honest.

“I can’t write,” I told my friend. There are too many questions.

“Then just write. It doesn’t have to be in perfect English. Ramble. Even that helps,” she said.

Coincidentally, during my first attempt to get something down, Shane Filan’s Everything To Me was playing in the background. Now it’s Corbin Bleu’s Push it to the Limit. Shuffled Spotify Playlist, can be so timely. A sign? Hahaha

Can you tell me where I’m going
Tell me what comes next
Cause I know that it’s not over
Haven’t even started yet
I just wanna get there
But I hope it’s not too late
Cause the closer that I’m getting
The more I feel the weight

If anything could perfectly describe my mental and emotional state at the moment, it would be those lyrics from Mr. Filan’s song.

Ah, a new song now…one about getting through the currents of this world. But not alone.

We’re not gonna break
Cause we both still believe
We know what we’ve got
And we’ve got what we need alright
We’re doing something right…

This song. I thought to myself, this would be a song I’d love to sing to my loved ones. You are not alone.

I have to be strong. I have to be strong to protect what God has given to me.

But even then, sometimes…a lot of times, I do feel alone.

That only I can get me out of the internal mess within.

Just on time, Spotify. Sometimes, I can’t help but think that I have some abilities to transfer my thoughts and boom haha. Broken Arrows, Daughtry.

I may not be a saint but I’ve got a heart of gold
Yeah
Oh, like a telephone
Connection ain’t clear
But I hope you hear my soul
You gotta know

Yeah
The best of intentions I lay at your feet
And I need you to see past the worst part of me

And I’m tired of taking my aim
When I keep on missing
There’s gotta be a better way

These thoughts…above all of this, I know I’m not the only one.

I talked to my bestfriend, and she shares the same condition.

And I look at the news, and I see a world that struggles as well.

Our stories more connected than we think.

Oh listen! Haha Nickelback’s What Are You Waiting For is playing right now. Timely. That’s straight in a row. I promise it’s on shuffle! 

Tell me what you’re waiting for
Show me what you’re aiming for
Whatcha going to save it for?
So whatcha really waiting for?

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes
But everybody’s got a choice to make
Everybody needs a leap of faith
When are you taking yours?

My friend once said, that there’s so many possibilities. But it all comes down to our choices.

“What do you want?” I’ve constantly been asked this.

“To do the right thing,” is what I’d say.

But right now, the choice I will make now, will lead me to the direction I will end up. But will it really lead me where I would strive to go?

I only know that I cannot give up. Because though I may be the one breathing, my life is not simply “mine.” Cue really Harris J- Worth It as I was typing all that. 

When I’m on the case I know it’s worth it
I’m on the path now I’m running like a circuit
Got my dreams in sight and I’m ready for the fight
Now it’s time to put all of the work in, yeah!
One chance, one shot, no I won’t give up

I can’t give up: that, is what I know for sure.

No matter how many mistakes I make. I have to struggle to stand up again.

“What is it you want to do?” I’ve constantly been asked this too.

And that, is when I become speechless.

Being a writer? No. Not in the way I used to imagine. Being an employed writer isn’t as wonderful. As a writer, I found that I’m a free-spirited one. And my degree isn’t gonna land me one for now.

Maybe a columnist, one day. God willing. When I get my head straight and the experience to give credit to my words.

Journalist? Can’t. Again, my degree. See what I mean by choices leading us to situations, directions?

The answers won’t come today, I’m sure. God willing, hopefully, tomorrow. Soon.

But I know I can’t just sit here to find out.

May God forgive me for all my shortcomings that aren’t ending and are ever-growing…

May God guide us all, ameen.

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Year-Ender: Detours and Dreams

intramuros

My detour to Intramuros is one of the most beautiful detours I’ve had in the Philippines. Because of the holidays, it wasn’t hard to move around on foot (how my errands are usually done). But I didn’t have time (and phone storage) to really take in this very old, yet preserved, city 😦 God willing, in the future…I will, ameen.

The Manila Times is one of the oldest newspaper outlets in the Philippines. I was blessed to pass by while at Intramuros. Seeing it still standing, made me reflect. I always wanted to be like a Lois Lane, writing still being my passion. I don’t regret this path I’ve chosen…I believe today is a comforting reminder, that where I am now is just like what Intramuros was to me today: a “detour”, but necessary and meant to build this weak, but hopefully ever-growing soul.

-via My Instagram

Whatever you must do, as long as it is right, do it.

It might not be the one we hope for now,

But whatever is right will keep us on the best state to reach our soul’s purest longings, that what we deem are our “dreams” won’t turn into nightmares because we lost focus of where value truly lives.

Here’s to another year, and hopefully a chance we take to enrich our souls, step out of our boxes and help each other towards Truth and that brighter future.

 

Seed

I won’t give up dreaming. If I can’t realize it now, I’ll work for a future where that dream can’t be harmed and where it can grow. I’ll plant the seed today so that even if I may not live to see it, my children can see the tree all-grown.

(Tree of Hope by InertiaK on DevianArt)

Courage and Wisdom| Postgrad Hiatus (Again)| Thoughts of an Ahjumma

sad_warrior_girl_by_takashi6-d523cq2

Wise, but not at the point where he’s losing courage. And courageous, not at the point where he’s losing wisdom.

Tariq Ramadan

 

Courage and wisdom. Courage and wisdom.

 

Ever since I listened to Prof. Ramadan’s talk last December, it seemed the meaning of the two words he emphasized throughout the 3-day convention began to unravel to me.

Especially when it came to the part when it suddenly dawns on you, you’re about to exit college. And I have (graduated), and the struggle seems to have just begun.

 

dark_path_wallpaper-other

———

College comes to an end. And while others feel the glee of being released from the bonds of the seemingly endless layers of school and other paperwork, for many, the dawning reality of college ending feels more like a slap on the face.

You wake up to the truth- all those facts and numbers you scratched and clawed for would probably do you no good once you’re out there. Unemployment and underemployment is a “norm” condition of fresh graduates in my country (if not with many other places in the wild, wild world).  So as the date for that “out-to-the work-force initiation ceremony” (graduation XD) grows near, the pangs of anxiety due to not knowing the answer to “what should be next? what do i do next?” only worsens rather than the excitement one is supposed to feel.

“What should be next? What do i do next? What can I do?”

This entry is supposed to tackle those questions…but even I don’t know the exact answers yet. At least, there are no words to put what are going through my noisy head right now. (Laughs)

(WRITER’S BLOCK. That’s when I know this writing lass needs to take a step back O.O)

But I do know that it lies on realizing the meaning to have and practice those 2 words- Courage and Wisdom.

To have wisdom is to have courage to struggle for the right and against the wrong. To have courage is to act with wisdom in spite of fear and tribulation and not to act recklessly. To have true Faith is to practice both.

Wisdom as to your principles, courage as to your struggle.

 

I think I have courage. Maybe we all fresh-graduates feel like that. But wisdom? Boy, that’s a long way to go…!

 

But then my mother told me something that showed me the key. “Intention. What are you doing it for? What did you do it for? Are you sure you’re not doing it just to feed your ego?”

Intention. The root of all action. The substance of all transactions, as accountants might say.

AKA: Purpose.

 

I’ve always loved to write. But to be worthy writer, is something am I still starting to grasp.

 

(ICEBREAKER: SOCIAL MEDIA USER? THIS COULD SERVE AS A FRIENDLY REMINDER.)

Graduating, you realize you carry a sword (the course you graduated in). But then you also learn “a sword is nonetheless useless, if one cannot know how and when to yield it.” And in today’s growing competitive world, earning a BS isn’t enough. Learning doesn’t stop- it cannot. Like a game, you have to upgrade in your levels. But I think all college studs (or any student for that matter) will all agree with me, you can’t go on learning (ehem, I prefer that than “studying”) without the fire of passion. A fire that can only be fueled by a clear-cut and solid foundation of purpose.

 

So, the hiatus. I know that this post doesn’t make much sense. I apologize and I do hope that, GOD willing, some good came out of it anyway. Though, it would not accredit to me. 🙂 Bear with me.

Take care all! 🙂

 

And so, the hiatus. PEACE.