Stuck

My tongue is tied.

My mind in shambles.

This is the second time I’m writing this. WordPress’s new interface confuses me, to be honest.

“I can’t write,” I told my friend. There are too many questions.

“Then just write. It doesn’t have to be in perfect English. Ramble. Even that helps,” she said.

Coincidentally, during my first attempt to get something down, Shane Filan’s Everything To Me was playing in the background. Now it’s Corbin Bleu’s Push it to the Limit. Shuffled Spotify Playlist, can be so timely. A sign? Hahaha

Can you tell me where I’m going
Tell me what comes next
Cause I know that it’s not over
Haven’t even started yet
I just wanna get there
But I hope it’s not too late
Cause the closer that I’m getting
The more I feel the weight

If anything could perfectly describe my mental and emotional state at the moment, it would be those lyrics from Mr. Filan’s song.

Ah, a new song now…one about getting through the currents of this world. But not alone.

We’re not gonna break
Cause we both still believe
We know what we’ve got
And we’ve got what we need alright
We’re doing something right…

This song. I thought to myself, this would be a song I’d love to sing to my loved ones. You are not alone.

I have to be strong. I have to be strong to protect what God has given to me.

But even then, sometimes…a lot of times, I do feel alone.

That only I can get me out of the internal mess within.

Just on time, Spotify. Sometimes, I can’t help but think that I have some abilities to transfer my thoughts and boom haha. Broken Arrows, Daughtry.

I may not be a saint but I’ve got a heart of gold
Yeah
Oh, like a telephone
Connection ain’t clear
But I hope you hear my soul
You gotta know

Yeah
The best of intentions I lay at your feet
And I need you to see past the worst part of me

And I’m tired of taking my aim
When I keep on missing
There’s gotta be a better way

These thoughts…above all of this, I know I’m not the only one.

I talked to my bestfriend, and she shares the same condition.

And I look at the news, and I see a world that struggles as well.

Our stories more connected than we think.

Oh listen! Haha Nickelback’s What Are You Waiting For is playing right now. Timely. That’s straight in a row. I promise it’s on shuffle! 

Tell me what you’re waiting for
Show me what you’re aiming for
Whatcha going to save it for?
So whatcha really waiting for?

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes
But everybody’s got a choice to make
Everybody needs a leap of faith
When are you taking yours?

My friend once said, that there’s so many possibilities. But it all comes down to our choices.

“What do you want?” I’ve constantly been asked this.

“To do the right thing,” is what I’d say.

But right now, the choice I will make now, will lead me to the direction I will end up. But will it really lead me where I would strive to go?

I only know that I cannot give up. Because though I may be the one breathing, my life is not simply “mine.” Cue really Harris J- Worth It as I was typing all that. 

When I’m on the case I know it’s worth it
I’m on the path now I’m running like a circuit
Got my dreams in sight and I’m ready for the fight
Now it’s time to put all of the work in, yeah!
One chance, one shot, no I won’t give up

I can’t give up: that, is what I know for sure.

No matter how many mistakes I make. I have to struggle to stand up again.

“What is it you want to do?” I’ve constantly been asked this too.

And that, is when I become speechless.

Being a writer? No. Not in the way I used to imagine. Being an employed writer isn’t as wonderful. As a writer, I found that I’m a free-spirited one. And my degree isn’t gonna land me one for now.

Maybe a columnist, one day. God willing. When I get my head straight and the experience to give credit to my words.

Journalist? Can’t. Again, my degree. See what I mean by choices leading us to situations, directions?

The answers won’t come today, I’m sure. God willing, hopefully, tomorrow. Soon.

But I know I can’t just sit here to find out.

May God forgive me for all my shortcomings that aren’t ending and are ever-growing…

May God guide us all, ameen.

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Morning musings: Trees and Growing up

It’s nearly a week since I’ve earned my license.

And as the days pass by, I’m still taking it in. More than 13 thousand people like me took that exam. I am more than blessed to be of the less than of it to have passed.

Just this morning, just after I had finished preparing breakfast and mopped the floors, I thought how familiar the sounds of the outside of our apartment have become to me, venturing up to this point. From the humming of the tricycles or the thrumming of the jeepneys that passed by our street, to faint chirping of the birds flying above who knows what, to the sounds of people getting along their day whether for work or for school. All these sounds and the sounds of the province my family and I had left behind for a nearly half a year now, were the sounds I had grown accustomed with as a student or a fresh graduate, striving to earn her license so that she might find a good place in oh-so-tumultuous economy.

And now, she has. Now, though those sounds that may be so routine, something about the one listening to it has changed.

I wonder what a tree “feels” when it’s finally stretched out it’s branches out into the open, each twig covered with leaves, now ready (?) and facing all the elements. Does it the feel the same way as I do?

I wonder if it’s the same with what a newly and fully grown cheetah feels after it’s mother, who had raised him/her, must let him/her now face the wilderness all on his/her own?

Now I’m an adult, and can be capable of finally providing for myself, giving back to my family….giving back to society.

Like a fully grown tree, ready to bear fruits or flowers or cones or whatever potential that has been placed within.

But though it may be able to stand now on it’s own it has to always be connected to the earth, strong in its own roots to stand long. Like as it was a seedling, it will always need the same elements and nutrients that it needed- probably even more. It will always need the care of the one that planted, and nurtured it ’till full growth.

But forget that, and it soon will wither and break in face of the elements. Sometimes right after so much less than it took for it to grow, or sometimes much longer.

Ah, look the time!!!

I better get going~

I pray you all have a wonderful day everyone!

(I want to be like a child)

image

I want to be like  a child,
Who knew only honesty,
Who only knew sincerity,
Who knew to give without a gift back,
Who trusted the good in anyone.. I may not be the child I once was,
I may not smile as often,
But I will never do anything to lose that child,
Who always smiled again after being broken.

(Cr topnews.in for the orig pic)

growingtree