Lord, said David, since you do not need us,
why did you create these two worlds?
Reality replied: O prisoner of time,
I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,
and I wished this treasure to be known,
so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;
its darkened back, the world;
The back would please you if you’ve never seen the face.
Has anyone ever produced a mirror out of mud and straw?
Yet clean away the mud and straw,
and a mirror might be revealed.
Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
it isn’t wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
you must do a little work.
My King addressed the soul of my flesh:
You return just as you left.
Where are the traces of my gifts?
-snippet from Be Lost in the Call, Rumi
“I’m so sad….How can I be happy?” my dear friend asked.
“Remember the good things that has happened despite the bad,” was my reply.
It must be prospect of a huge challenge that kept me in spirits of anticipation. Maybe the coffee too.
My friend let out another sad sigh. “Memories. It all just ends up in memories.”
I don’t know what hit me, but my body flew into action. No.
“Memories are carried on to create anew. They aren’t the end,” was all I could say in that moment, collecting myself as my mother’s words days ago began to sink into me.
My mother had called our attention that late afternoon, as she segregated the peelings and cuttings of various fruits and vegetables that she prepared. She was very enthusiastic and commanded our attention.
She said she was just astounded how much learning about permaculture and composting has taught her so much.
“Can you imagine? We eat these fruits and vegetables. Then we return them to the soil. And from the plants that grow from the soil, we eat. We put them back inside our bodies. What we give the soil, it gives us back. But nowadays, most of us plant for the sake of a huge harvest or money, using chemicals forgetting that we eat what we harvest. It made me think about life. What does that tell you two? Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
I guiltily remember how I was slow to catch on the depth of what she was trying to say.
We are prisoners of time.
The moments of happiness, the moments of sadness pass by us. Time does not stay still. They leave us but not without leaving a mark on us, in form of memories. And with Time, even these memories become cloudy until, most, fade into nothingness.
But do they really?
A leaf, full of color once, dries up and falls to the ground. Time passes, there’s no more of the leaf. All that is left is the soil or dust. If we think of it that way, then surely…it is all for naught…depressing.
But! But! It doesn’t happen that way!
The “dead leaves” along with another “depressing” thing called rain, actually nurture life into the soil. They are, with proper care in special cases like in cities (for example), what bear the healthy ground that is healthy enough for new plants to spring. And with a extra effort, those new plants can even be healthier than the “plants or leaves that came before them.”
Just like memories.
When I opened my eyes slowly to the sun
It was full of white shadows
Because of the weight of endless thinking
It’s even hard to breathe
Look at the gap
In front of the dead end
Untie your hands
-Years, Alesso X CHEN (Korean version, translated)
I have hopes, but not expectations, is what I told my friend. She wasn’t sure what I meant, and I told her that I would write about it.
It was one of the mindsets I’ve realized I should adapt for myself, as I continue to face the ever-challenging future.
For those who know of my Twitter and followed my noise and random rants, I’ve decided to take a break from a majority of my social networks and keep to myself, except for this blog where I only write my most coherent (rambling) thoughts. For those who got tired of me and have me mute, you must be breathing a sigh of relief aren’t ya? Keke. No biggie. Look, I’m sentencing myself to at least two months of silence and self-reflection! Haha.
The thing is, when you “adult” (this generation’s ‘sweg’ way of saying “grow up”), you tend to be plunged into the rat race and if you’re not careful ,you get consumed by it. Almost countless disappointments when things turn out not how you (exactly) expect them to, after what you thought was “giving your all,” tend to put off that determination you had in the beginning. “Disappointments” tend to be a common occurrence as you grow up, one would find.
But most of all, I guess, the most weighing disappointment is when you wake up in the morning, you look at the mirror, and your eyes don’t reflect “who” you expect to become as a person. The type that resurfaces when you have everything else in silence, and you are alone with only your conscience’s thoughts. Or I might be overthinking, but for the level of clutz-iness like mine lately, it might be a good thing to bring back.
Where did I go wrong? What should I stop doing? What should I have done?
My younger brother told me of something he had read earlier that talked about two types of happiness: one, that of contentment; and two, that of fun/instant gratification. He said the problem, with the generation that we belonged to is that happiness is made exclusively to mean what can give us the concept of fun- jolts of energy, pulsing emotions, and the almost absence of the need to think. Many of us limit our happiness to the venues of drinking and partying, where the beats makes us forget of the problems we face. “We stop thinking at that moment, and we’re happy,” that’s what most of us think happiness is.
But that’s the problem. We simply forget. We stop one of the most fundamental aspects that makes us human- thinking. Our “problems” did not truly”go away.”
I do not drink. I do not party. I barely watch TV. But I guess, I’ve clung to some frame of someone and something within my mind that landed me where I am now, more than the actions or the conditions of those that surround me.
“God will not change the condition of a people, until they change what is within themselves.”
(Chapter 13, “The Thunder”, Verse 11)
The verse above has visited my mind far too many times, without the influence of others, to just ignore it. And an small argument with my mother that shook the right places…
Erm, am I still making any sense? I hope I am, haha.
Actually, there are a lot of thoughts still going on in my head. But I feel like a hypocrite, like how I feel most like these days, if I didn’t put those thoughts into action and change my own condition.
Look at the gap
In front of the dead end
Untie your hands
-Years, Alesso X CHEN (Korean version, translated)
Ahead lies a long road.
Am excited, and hopeful for a good outcome.
But I don’t expect everything to work our as I want. As what I want, isn’t always what I thought was best, what I needed, or what I really wanted.
Accepting that one has fallen and starting over, could prove to be very difficult. But how can we get anywhere without any pain right?
..Let us begin?
This is the gloomiest piece I may ever post out here.
As I admit to myself…
Yes, I am lonely.
To a certain degree, I am…lonely.
I guess there are times that it can’t be helped. That feeling of missing something-whether it be a person, or something inside of you, something you can’t express to anyone that you’d somehow know he/she wouldn’t be able to understand.
Or maybe it’s in the questions that people will wonder, “why do you even ask?”
But you, alone, know why. You, alone, know why you have to have the answers to these questions.
Or maybe it’s in the frustrations that don’t matter much to others, but they matter to us?
The unsaid feelings that we don’t dare tell anyone for various reasons- little they may be, they are enough for us to keep them within.
Is this the darkest shade of loneliness? Or is it just the beginning?
Is being alone, with no other human to exchange your thoughts and feelings, the darkest depiction of loneliness?
Or is it being surrounded by people, yet no one of who you can be fully transparent with?
Either way, no matter what shade, loneliness…unlike being alone for a time is something we know we cannot harbor or let be.
It’s an experience much scarier than the silence of a completely black night.
Seek Truth, but be prepared for the responsibility of knowing It. Many have faced ruined for failing at that.
The sun peeked through the clouds, but for a short while.
Like a sweet, short reminder:
“The sky may be painted entirely grey today,
Doesn’t mean the Sun is forever gone.”
I have no idea, why in the world, I titled this Cookie Break.
The thing came to mind, while I was unfolding this small table and chair that I’m currently sitting in, decorated by Snoopy looking at a bunch of Oreos and thinking “Cookie Break!”
It’s a table and chair meant for my 2-year old nephew, but I think I feel most comfortable writing by using it.
And as I get through typing the lines you’ve just read, I think I quite figured out why I’m being final with calling this entry, “Cookie Break”…
After so much that has happened since my last entry, this is the only time that I can write with my mind entirely focused on what I’m about to share..!
I hope it won’t be so long that it’d bore you, dear Reader. I’m writing this, as most of my entries are, completely impromptu! So for all the rough edges of this piece, I sincerely apologize!
What started out as a quite intense day of activities and a big chunk of necessary out-of-pocket expenses towards a family visit I had fears about, turned out to be quite the healing trip for me.
In all the craziness, that I cannot even began to enumerate here I believe that by listening to the people that invited us over.
Listening to other people’s stories that they have to tell…even by simply, listening- quieting down your own worries that clog your heart and mind, and opening your thoughts-you suddenly get a break from the struggles that feel as if they aren’t going to end.
The lyrics of EXO’s Lucky One “너와 나의 평행선”| “The parallel lines that are you and me” somehow makes a deeper impression to me now.
In our darkest times we feel as if we’re alone and no one can ever understand the pain we’re going through.
But maybe, in all the differences of our stories, there are some common points. Points that make the difference for us to keep going on and/or to be thankful for having gone through what we’ve been through.
Stories that make us go, “wow, he/she went through all that? And he’s/she’s still here? All good? Maybe I can make it too..”
Stories that make us go, “I didn’t know he/she had to endure all that. I didn’t know that he’s/she’s like that. Maybe I’ve been looking at all of this in the wrong way, as well…”
Or maybe stories that are so strikingly similar as our stories of our past, that now, we’re the ones meant to help others get through theirs.
Maybe we’re all not that different. And that we’re like two parallel lines, unique as who we are, but striving towards the same hopes of a better future.
I suddenly remembered this quote from a video I watched many times before:
This world isn’t perfect. This means it isn’t perfectly good: but it isn’t perfectly bad, either.The ease comes with hardship. Shift focus of what you see, and your experience of this life will change.
I guess that quote perfectly sums up my thoughts for this evening.
And from the little I could share here, I hope you find the cookie break you needed and the strength to push forward again. Hope a little rambling from a little tree can become that cookie that energizes someone out there!
G.T. (Growing Tree)